S2E12:TUM Fundamentals Course, Section 4 – Celebration, Appreciation & Commitment

Chris 00:00

Hey guys, welcome to the unshakable man podcast, a podcast and community for men who want to create spaces where we can practice tools and skills to get out of our heads and egoic patterns and to get into our bodies. I’m Chris Wilson, and I’m here today with Mike Mazur, Smith and Lawndale. Jackson to community stewards within our community. I’ll give you both an opportunity to say hello.

Mike 00:27

Hey everybody, Mike Messersmith here. Glad to be on this on this final episode with you all.

Londell 00:35

And this is Lawndale Jackson. Hello, nice to see you all again. I guess actually, I’m not seeing anybody. But I’m speaking to you all again. So hello.

Chris 00:46

Awesome, thank you so much, Mike, and Londell. And like, I hope this isn’t the last one, as well, I have a feeling we’re going to be, we’re going to be doing quite a few of these together. But this is the final session of our four week Fundamentals course. So the four week Fundamentals course, we do have five sections for this. The first section, if you’ve listened to it already is our course overview and community Welcome section. And then we have section 123, and four, each of those sections represent going through one week of the course, or going to one group. And again, just to repeat myself for anyone who might not have listened to all the other episodes. This is an open format, an open Cohort Based Format, meaning we restart the course together as a group, the first week of every month, and then we go through it at the pace that we can do. So we’ve designed this so that you can go listen to one section of the material, and then go to one group a week, over four weeks. So technically, if you wanted to be organized anyone to keep up with us, you would go through each of the four groups over four weeks, and you’d be able to finish in a month. But if you lose pace, or you can’t commit to coming to a group every single week, we’ve designed it so that if you want to come every other week or every third week, you could take one two or three months to finish this. But the point here is to make a somatic journey to actually experience being in the group in an unshakable man group four times. And so tonight, the theme is celebration, appreciation, and commitment, celebration, appreciation, and commitment. And it’s really important to me tonight that we tie these into the somatic journey into the actual direct experience of being in a group and going through this program. Okay, so I’m going to go through each of these themes, I’m just going to give each an overview of how we see these coming up, to connect them to the fundamentals training, and then we’re going to get spend some time together as a group just talking about our relationship with each one of these themes. Okay, so first of all, celebration, their celebration, appreciation and commitment.

So celebration, yes, this is the end of the fundamentals training. And a big part of getting to the end of the fundamentals training is going from joining our community, to being able to be belong to the community. And you deserve the opportunity to celebrate this, this is a big deal. Not a lot of men, not a lot of men out there have had the opportunity to be in a men’s group, let alone to go through a process and be in four groups with a group of other men who all have the intention to slow down and to create spaces to, to practice tools and skills to get out of our heads and into our bodies. And part of that intention, what makes this works so special, is that outside of this space in the default environments that we exist in, we can’t carry that intention all of the time, or at least everyone in our social Mulu everybody in our community isn’t showing up with that same intention. And so this creates a very, very special container, a very special opportunity. And this felt experience is sacred. This is what makes this work so sacred, right is this ability to learn to create these spaces and to actually show up and do this and inside of our groups. When a man does something that we that is constructive when a man shows up in the way that he wants to show up. When a man shares something, and we want to celebrate it, or to reinforce it with that man in the group, we celebrate, we actually learn how to create celebration techniques. And we’re going to have more information inside the Learning Center. But this is how there’s a somatic reason on and in the body for doing this. And a big part of it is to reinforce the body’s autonomic systems. Because if we celebrate doing something, the body gets better at doing what we celebrate. Okay, and this work is really challenging, right, we’re going back to places inside that maybe haven’t had a voice, and or sometimes creating a space to be with emotions, that outside of these spaces, we do everything we can to move away from, okay, and the body’s protective parts are reinforced around that. And so when we actually create that space to come back to those places inside or we find an edge, and we come, we sit with that, the Alan Watts backwards law is that wanting an experience to be different, it is a negative experience, but being with an experience as it is, we’re accepting and experience is a positive experience. Right. And so a lot of times in these spaces, after we move through a process, and we do some, we have an experience in the group, we will want to celebrate it, and you’ll see me do a double high five over my head or like, go like, Yes, and that’s, that’s not a show. That’s not, that’s not fantastic. There’s an embodied reason why we do this. And so your stretch this week, if you’ve made it this far in the program, is to show up in a group and celebrate, just celebrate that you did it, and the other men in the space will do that with you.

So now appreciation, appreciation is a very special somatic state of being if I am appreciating something, I am in between the experience, and the intellect, the intellectual understanding of something. And so when I say I am appreciating, I am in that this very unique area where I’m able to bring in some information, some stuff that I might have learned from a book, or from listening to this podcast, right or from reading the material, right, and then I’m actually being in in on that experience in my body. And so many times in these groups after a man shares, or after a man shows up in a certain way, men in the space will take a moment to reflect back to that man. And we start by saying, I am appreciating. I am appreciating and if you’re listening to this right now, you if you want to test this out, just go ahead and say that phrase to yourself, I am appreciating, I am appreciating and then go ahead and fill in whatever comes to you after that. And there’s something special about this state of being where right we’re in the experience, and we’re appreciating something about it. And when we do that, in these groups, we start to connect even more. Okay, and this is how we start to share in each other’s experience and how one man’s experience will help me interpret or share my relationship or, or understand my relationship with something. Okay. And so, the next stretch that you have in your fourth group, is to simply appreciate what you’ve learned about this experience. What have you seen what has specifically occurred in coming to your first four groups, and then to appreciate that in a few different ways with the men in the space? Okay, so practice appreciating.

And then commitment. We’ve made it through your first four groups, you’ve joined a community, but joining a community is not belonging to the community. And when you get to the end of this Fundamentals course, you have the ability to acknowledge what your commitment is to the practice. And what makes this again very, very special for men who are going through this journey or who have who have committed to showing up to the fund Mental course, is that when you get to the end, you get to acknowledge to a group of men in the space. What is your commitment, are you committing to stay here and to continue on this journey, so that then the men who hear you make that commitment, what they can do is they can begin to track with you. They know when you make that commitment in the group, they now can commit to you, they can look forward to doing their work around you and with you. Maybe you’ve been through this process, you’ve gotten to the end. And then you’re not really sure if this is something that you are going to show up to every single week, or if you’re going to come once a month, if you’re going to make it the last week of the month. So whatever that commitment is for you, many men shy away when we don’t know what to say, when we don’t know, if we’re committed to something, what do we do, we disappear. Many men disappear, and many people have abandoned us in our lives, or have simply drifted away, when we didn’t know what to say, it was easier to just deny that and to just drift away.

And so are our invite to you. If you’re here. And you’re listening to this and you’re in the final week. And you think you might not show back up, come to a group and acknowledge your commitment, celebrate having finished, appreciate what your experience was like, and then acknowledge what your real commitment is. When a man does that, we have a specific name for this, it’s called burning a hidden contract. This is a word that’s used it’s, it’s a skill, it’s one of the five empathetic skills outlined by Karla McLaren in the language of emotions, which is an amazing resource, I highly suggest reading, that’s one of the top five books that I would recommend for this kind of work. And what that is, is, we all know what it’s like when we have, we’ve made a commitment that might be direct or indirect commitment to someone or some thing. And we feel some attachment to that. Okay. And if we just let it if we let ourselves exist, go on, in relationship, knowing that we’re not going to live up to this contract, or to this to this commitment, well, then what happens is we actually are existing in some dis integrated state. And that this integrated state causes anxiety, our word really, truly matters. And so when you actually burn that contract, when you come into the space, and change what was there and acknowledge what your actual agreement is with that person, you then come back to being an integrity. There’s always this like sense of relief. But psychosomatically, there can feel like there’s like a barrier there. It can be fear, or insecurity. There’s something to move through. And so in the final week of the fundamentals, training, your commitment, burning that hidden contract, coming to a group, and actually saying, Guys, I did it, this was a really cool experience, this is what I’m appreciating about it, I’m celebrating that I made it, whether it took you one month or two months or three months to come to all four groups, you did it. And then standing in front of a group of men, and acknowledging that I’m good, I’m gonna go my own way. Goodbye. That is a powerful, powerful practice. And so it’s important to me that you guys know this, right? Because if you’re listening to this, and you join this community, we, this kind of goes against the common story in my head about what I should be saying, right? Like, I should want every man that signs up for this to stay and to become a part of the unshakable man community. And if if 10 men join, it’s like, right, Mike, like, it’s so sad that or I should I don’t even know what to say right now. Right? Like I should. Like there’s this this common message from our culture. That’s like, once you start, it would be horrible, if ever if people didn’t stay or everybody should be here. But this isn’t like some online course where you’re not connected to a group of other human beings. This is a real experience, and we want you to show up and to be be able to learn how to acknowledge your commitment. And if you don’t do that, you’re more than welcome to just send us an email, right? Send us an email, it’s on the page if you if you just want to cancel your membership, and you’re done, and you don’t want to show up to a group, but I urge you, and I invite you to actually come into the space and have your final group. Because it’s a big practice. It’s an amazing practice to learn to start to realign your sense of integrity, and to practice burning, hidden contracts. realigning your commitment, so that I do a good job guys going over our final or final three themes, celebration, appreciation and commitment. I can’t wait to hear what your guys’s perspective is on each of these, I think this has been one of the most. For me, one of the most exhilarating parts of getting the show up with you guys, over the past four sessions has been getting to witness and just hear what your relationship is with each of these sections. So Mike, I guess I’ll just start with you. I mean, first of all, if there’s anything that based on just what we’re coming in with for the final stage here, you’re more than welcome to share it. But I’m very, very interested. What what is your relationship or what comes up for you? When it comes to celebration?

Mike 16:38

Yeah, and before I get into that, Chris, what I just want to reiterate to the men listening to this, that, you know, if you when you get to the fourth group, and and you know, you, as Chris stated, you want to burn that hidden contract. It’s totally cool. It’s, it’s a powerful, powerful experience for you and for all the other men that are sharing in that experience. So, you know, don’t feel like, you know, it’s not okay. Because, I mean, that’s just, that’s just the bullshit that we put on ourselves. Right. So, you know, coming forth and being genuine. You know, I mean, that, that is so powerful, and it is so freaking cool that, you know, I just, I just had to, I just had to reiterate that because, you know, that’s really important for me.

Chris 17:35

I love how you said like, don’t don’t feel it, but maybe like, that is that is what this space is made for. Right is to, is to feel that. Right. And, and so bring it in here. We were okay with it. Like right, like that’s, that’s the intention?

Mike 17:54

Yeah, great point. Great point. Um, so celebration. Yeah. I would say celebration is something that happens in almost every group that I’m in. There’s always something for us to celebrate. I mean, just this past week, I was in a group. And I literally celebrated this podcast in the group, you know, I mean, a lot of times, a lot of times, you know, we’ll, I’ll come into a group, and other men will as well. But for me, a lot of times, it’s like, there’s some kind of shit going on in my life. And I’m like, this fucking thing or that or, you know, it just, you know, I’m, you know, I’m just like, I’m feeling you know, I’m feeling angry. I’m feeling emotional, and, you know, whatever down. Yeah, but, but, you know, so this past Wednesday, when I came into group I was I was feeling I was feeling ebullient. That was the word that I use, which everybody’s like, What the hell are you talking about Mr. Smith, but anyway, I was just feeling so up about the about the fundamentals course that, you know, we just, we totally celebrated that in the you know, in the in the group and it was awesome. And, you know, the guys, the guys in the group really dug it. I mean, they were like, they wanted to know more and, and hear about it, and all that kind of stuff. Because, you know, it’s just, it’s an exciting time for our community. And, yeah, so. So. Celebration.

Chris 19:35

Awesome. For my reflection and celebration. I broke down a few different things that I heard from you guys, this, this, this, outside of these spaces. Our culture tells us we need to try hard in order to succeed right or even know in order to survive, right or to to protect ourselves. There’s this constant message of needing to try hard versus allowing ourselves to be the open hearted person and the open hearted warrior that we are right to just be good to just be who that we are innately good on the inside, we don’t have to actually try so hard to do it, right. And this, this message, right leads us to being focused outside toward our aspirations. And that trying creates an anxiety, it creates this tension on your inner body. And the science backs this up, if we look at the human behavior, go to the human behavior design lab at Stanford University, run by Dr. BJ Fogg, who is the author of a book called The tiny habit method, in that all of the research around creating habits or creating positive habits, creating habits, not trying to get rid of bad habits, but trying to create healthy habits is around want, the main thing that they show is that if you make the action tiny, and you find a trigger that triggers the action, it’s learning how to celebrate doing the small thing, because what we’ve actually the body gets better at doing what it repeatedly does, not the body and the brain doesn’t have a bat, a negative reward system, it only has positive, it only has you did this. So that is getting reinforced. So in our culture of manhood, we are motivated, often through fear, or into another form of fear, insecurity or the potential of loss. So loss aversion, right, which is kind of fear, and shame. These are the tools that motivate us. So what do we get better at doing with ourselves, we get better at shaming ourselves, we get better at being more anxious, right? And then how do we respond to that we cultivate these protective go getter parts that can fight through it, right? These intense, like, often militaristic, right, like these personas of what it means to be a man. And it’s like, no wonder why we cultivate that. Now, I’m not saying that those personas are bad. But if we’re doing it without, without awareness, of the realization that I can put this on, but this isn’t all of me, right? So that I can also be tender and open, right and flexible. Right. And it’s the flexible system that survives, not the rigid, hard one, right. And so when we learn how to celebrate, and when we’re in a group, and if Mike, if you come into the space, and you celebrate, and then no matter how my day was, if I’m dropped into that experience with you, and now I’m feeling a sense of celebration honoring my body, and I go and embody it and reinforce it, I’m actually just simply getting better at using the tool of micro celebrations, to drip drip, drip, drip, drip, cheer myself, on, but I’m not using the intellect I’m not I’m not saying thinking happy thoughts. I’m not trying to be to explain away my life, I’m actually physically, in reality, celebrating in the moment, right. So I could be unhappy, but be feeling joy, right. And it’s this, it’s this thing that is just so powerful. And I hear it from men in our community over and over again. And yeah, we’ll probably have to, in the future, do a mini course just on how to create a celebration technique. But one of the exercises that we will suggest in the Learning Center is to get a solo cup, right, just go get a container, a target, any container can work, or if you’re like, the average man who’s been through a college institution in the United States, and you’ve played a game where you throw up a ping pong ball into a solo cup. That’s exactly what I’m talking about, right there. Beer pong. But this is the same exercise that they did at Stanford University in the human behavior design lab, in order to create the the embodied sense of celebration. And so what you do is you simply throw the ping pong ball into the target, and you wait. And when you get it in, you listen to your body. And you start to notice that wow, my body’s celebrates. And then you learn to start to reinforce that into your own embodied action. So it can be like a fist pump or a noise in your head, like the Super Mario Brothers flag sound do to do, right. Or you can do a double high five over your head, like I do, and like we do in our community a lot. But the key here for me to make is that this this is, this is scientifically based behavior modification technique that teaches you to use celebration, to generate habits, right, rather than using shame and fear. Right, to in to motivate ourselves, which just opens us up to feeling good more often, when we feel good. We take risks, we were more creative, we’re more compassionate, we’re more calm. Right? And that’s me, that is the point of this work to be in that self energy. So practicing celebration, all right, your stretch is to go to this group to your fourth group, and to simply celebrate that you did it. Appreciation, appreciation, Mike, how, what comes up for you, when you appreciate appreciation?

Mike 26:25

Again, I think it’s, it dovetails nicely with, with the celebration, because appreciating another man puts me in a better, you know, in a in a, in a more positive state, in a in, you know, in it, it lifts my spirits, you know, just just listening to Lawndale a minute ago talking about celebration. I just felt appreciation for his, for his definition for his the way he views celebration. And so, feeling that appreciation makes me makes me want to celebrate more. Right, he said, celebrate the little things getting out of bed in the morning. You know, whatever, you know, eating healthy, or you know, whatever it is, you know, grabbing a grabbing a kale chip when I really want to Dorito right. And celebrating that, you know, I’m, I’m I’m being a little healthier today than I normally would be.

Chris 27:39

Did you do that today? Mike? Did you did you did not all still celebrate? So we’re still going to celebrate? Hey, to see me chip. I haven’t had one of those in a while. But

Mike 27:53

So so yeah. So just, you know, just it’s, you will find yourself as you as you start going, you know, going to groups, you’ve probably already experienced this and in some of the groups you’ve been in. But you will start you’ll start feeling that appreciation for what other men are going through and how that impacts you. And, you know, again, it’s just a it’s just a very powerful emotion, and a very powerful feeling.

Londell 28:29

I think, for me, being with the term community, and engaging in men’s work in general, I definitely just appreciate. I’ve learned to appreciate community, I’ve learned to appreciate connection. Because of all the things that Mike just shared. I realized thinking back about all the things that I’ve said, the things that I’ve contributed to the conversation and and I’ve contributed a lot of things about being active in, in circles. And I haven’t really spoke about being passive meaning just being silent and listening. And that Mike has, and I’m gonna Second. Second, finally that there’s so much to gain from sitting still, and listening and receiving what other men have to say, and what other men experience and celebrating with men receiving and listening to their difficulties and how they’re managing through those difficulties reflecting with them, when they would like reflection, and they’re welcome reflection. All of that is it is so incredibly nurturing. And that’s just stuff that you can’t, just can’t buy. And it’s invaluable. It really is. No, no don’t know, this analogy has been in my head through this entire session or a series. And I’m definitely not a Star Trek person. So I’m sure there’s viewers out there, that’ll just shoot me through the screen, or through the radio, you know, with a pellet gun, or even a slingshot for that matter. There is a group of people called the Borg. And they are a hive mind mentality of people. And they, apparently are not the best willed of people. Yet I’m not going to like in the term community to the Borg at all. And I can definitely, I can definitely see, however, what it means to be connected with people at that level, when you can feel their feelings. And when you can be in community with someone and, and be connected to that level. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Mike 31:55

We are not the Borg. So let’s want to be I just want to be clear, we are not the Borg .

Chris 32:03

This is great. I am appreciating when Bond sells ability to make me sweat. It’s great. It’s great. I am appreciating the I do I actually appreciate the when you when you brought in the board, right or this idea of like the hive mind or getting to be in the experience with another man. What what I what I notice here is that you guys are not you guys are not actually in my day to day. You’re not in my physical life here in San Francisco where I live, right? Mike, I’ve never met you in person Vondel I’ve never met you in person that is wild. For me. And I’m excited to potentially to get to meet you guys in person soon this year with like, some retreats and also just getting together. But the thing that I’m I constantly appreciate about having these groups to come into is that I’m it’s like having a third leg to my stool of my life. Right? Where because you’re not in the day to day social Mulu that I exist within there is a rebalancing. Right? Like if I am heightened or if I’m low when I come into a group and a man receives me in mirrors back to me what he is seeing on and in my body in the micro expressions that I make the tone just how I show up or by my my patience and listening just being with you guys for an hour once a week in my life. It it shows me it’s like a litmus test of where, you know, how am I doing in comparison, right? Because there’s so it’s so easy to get a meshed in my life with my fiance it’s so easy to get a meshed into the what’s happening in my, my family, right or the friends that I have here in San Francisco. But when I show up in a group where there’s this structure, and I get to it’s like a speed bump in my week. And then I do that over and over again. It it has this grounding in allowing aspect to it. That is very, very helpful. It’s like I I see myself through the experience of the hang in the group. And I really do appreciate that. And then this. And then just saying, like I am appreciating, brings me into the present. And I’ll often notice that it’s so easy for me to, and I hear this from men, repeatedly in the community where it’s so easy for me to hear myself, in a group, talking about initially being inspired to talk about something I don’t like, maybe something that frustrated me about my partner, right, or something that frustrated me about something that happened with a friend or in life, right. But that is the initial that is, that’s what initially comes out, that’s the emotional residue that I might be carrying. But then, to practice appreciation, I start actually appreciating the way my partner, when we go to the grocery store together, how much in my life, she brings into my life for me, and I’ll start using those words like, Babe, like, I really appreciate this, I really appreciate that. And it’s like, just like with the celebration, it starts to leak out into my life and appreciation is in the present. Right? Like when I’m appreciating something, it’s not, I’m not appreciating a fan a fantasy out in the future, or some aspiration, I’m appreciating something that’s right here. And so my embodied state, I’m in the present more, and the more I’m in the present, the more I’m not in anxiety. Right. A lot of appreciation going on today. And so commitment, commitment. I’m, I’m excited to talk about commitment for myself, but Mike, where where do you go when you when you come back into your relationship with the community, and around commitment.

Mike 37:14

I guess for me, the the, you know, I’ve committed to a couple of different groups, you know, throughout the week, so there’s a Tuesday group and a Wednesday group, and I’ve committed to those groups. And so one of the things that as, as having made that commitment to myself and to the, to the other men in those groups, when I can’t make one of those groups, I let the I let the the facilitator know, I’m not going to, you know, I’m not going to be able to be here tonight, you know, for whatever reason, other commitments have taken taken place or whatever. So it’s, I think it’s important to, for me, to have those commitments, and, and keep those keep those commitments. And when I can’t be genuine, be authentic, and let people know, hey, you know, life happens. And it’s no it’s gonna happen. And what I’ve what I felt in my past, so this is something that that, that has come to me through this, is that when I committed to something, but then didn’t, you know, maybe maybe missed, missed a week, missed two weeks. And then I get this feeling inside myself that’s like, oh, you know, what are all these people thinking about me? Because I haven’t showed up and, you know, haven’t said anything. And, and so then I, then I, I start pulling back I feel, you know, I feel myself kind of shrinking in and sometimes I just never go back. Yeah. Because I feel bad, I feel shame for having not communicated and for not keeping my commitment to myself. And so then I just, I just let it go. And I think that’s, I think that’s going back to something that we talked about earlier, you know, burning that contract that, you know, it’s, that’s, that’s why I think why it’s so important for me. And, you know, in that in that sense, because it’s, it’s okay, you can commit the things and it’s okay. Not the not the make it.

Chris 39:45

Yeah. I would love to just say something about that, specifically. That, you know, I’ve over the past two years, I’ve thought about like, how is this different than those other scenarios where Right, because I have those scenarios in my life those, I had a job once when I was like 17 that I got at a at a, an antique shop that was down the street from where I lived, it was one of the first jobs I ever got. And I just never showed up one day for work. And I kept telling my dad that I was going to work, when I wasn’t going to work until one day the shop owner actually told my dad that he’d never been in. And it was just this, it was horrible. There was horrible, right? Like, it was like, I didn’t know how to how to confront that. Right as a young man like, like having not shown up. But I think about it all the time. Now whenever in at 38 years old, it’s still with me. Right? And but I think that there’s something different here in that. And I’ve thought about this, as groups have matured, and men have said, well, can our group be about accountability? Or can our group be about about marriage, or B, or pre marriage like guys who are thinking about making a commitment to get married? Or can we make it about business. And the reason what I notice within within our practice is that we’re really learning to create what’s what’s very special, I think about the unshakable man community and about, what we are teaching men to do is we’re teaching men to create an empty space, where you don’t have to do anything but show up. And because all you have to do is show up in and learn to allow yourself to be there. And the practice is so relaxing. And in that session, because of that core intention, to simply practice tools and skills to get out of our head anechoic patterns, and to get into our bodies. It almost like a Rhodes, that problem that she really creates this fundamental ground to work with, have I if I don’t show up, this is the reason for this space to be here is like, wow, it’s actually here for me to come here. And to be acknowledged, and to acknowledge that how I’m feeling honor in my body and to say, Guys, I’m, I actually feel like shit for not showing up and to be received, right, and that you don’t actually have to do anything to show up in this space. And it reminds me of like our lesson on accountability, how accountability is about belonging, and shame. Because when I say that, I want Mike or I want lung, Dell, if I want you to be my accountability buddies, what I’m actually saying is, is our relationship is important to me. And so for me to return to our relationship intact, I need to do what I say I’m going to do. And so what I’m doing is I’m using the potential of being shamed to reinforce, as a motivator, to, to motivate me to do what I say I’m going to do. Now, we’re an accountability buddy partnership, or roads, is if I don’t return to the container, if I don’t return to the relationship to be received by you men, then what actually ends up happening is I need to go find new accountability buddies over and over again. So I’m actually burning these bridges. So what’s important in an accountability buddy partnership is not actually that I do what I say I’m going to do, what’s important is that I returned back to the space. And that when I return back to the space that the accountability buddies know, to receive me, and to and that we celebrate that I did it that hey, like you returned back here, even though you didn’t do what you said, you’re gonna do, you’re showing up, and you’re acknowledging that you didn’t do what you said you’re going to do. And in our bodies, we can appreciate how hard that is. And so then, what do we do we celebrate that and we we realign, right, we clear it, we clear the ground, and then we get to make another commitment. Right, and tonight’s lesson was not supposed to be about accountability. Right? But we can we will be doing that in future future lessons, right but or in the weekly office hours or coaching call but the what’s so interesting here to is that we came back to me is that we’ve come back to this right from an that celebration connects into that appreciation being appreciated and this commitment to your to these men that you’ve called in To be your accountability, buddy, and that in so many other places, right, like, especially in the manosphere, I see, accountability is more around force, right? Like you’re, you’re joining an accountability, buddy partnership. And it’s really like we’re using fear and force to try to get ourselves to do something. And the experience of our life is while you’re into it, sure, maybe it’s constructive, and you’re into it, but then to what end? Right? Like, like, do you really want to live your whole life in that in that experience of like, being at war with your life like, That, to me is my answer to that question is now.

Londell 45:47

So yeah. Interesting story about being held accountable that way. And then I’ll shift into commitment. Yeah, thank you, Rhonda, there was a, there was a time that I was really into leaving or wanting to lose weight. And I felt I needed to be held accountable. And I wanted to do and I joined a gym, that used him humiliation tactics, to get people to the gym, and keep people motivated. And my last day at that gym was when someone literally brushed to actually threw a Twinkie at my face, while I’m on the treadmill, and I kept what they said. But it took that action, that act for me to realize, like, this is what I’m really want, and that I’m paying to be humiliated to this degree to be to hold myself accountable. Wow, that’s a whole other story we can get into the psychiatry of that.

Chris 47:10

Yeah, that reminds me of the the reinforcing to do a behavior, right? Like you, you say, Will you put a little bit of money and I like a bank, and like, escrow, and if you don’t do what you say you’re gonna do, they’ll give the money to a charity that, you know, you don’t want it to go to. Right. So it’s really negatively reinforcing you to do to do this thing. Yeah, we’re not doing that.

Londell 47:39

No. My count to be counted. Know, my commitment statement really relates to all the peace around celebration, and just in my head, the other appreciation? Appreciation. Yes, thank you. So I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about. This, but the stewards, we were having our meeting. And we, we got into the conversation about checking groups. And I’m at the admission that I was not attending a checking group. And I said, the reason why I was not attending a chicken group, because I just didn’t feel connected, and feel, blah, blah, blah. And I related my story to you know, how I was in a cohort, and I felt connected everybody there. And I was just so long, short of it was that I, I didn’t feel connected. And so I tried going to a group and and I just wasn’t connected. So I wasn’t going to actually regularly, so I wasn’t holding a commitment to a group. And then I said, Well, you know, and then I couldn’t find one that fit into my schedule. So I voiced that I wanted, that I couldn’t attend any standing group because it didn’t fit within my schedule. And so I think it was, well, another steward had had said, Well, how about Tuesday? Are you available on Tuesday? I’m like, Well, yeah, I am available on Tuesday. And then they said, he said, Well, if and he took a quick straw poll and said Oh, who’s available on two His day, and all the stewards happened to be available on Tuesday. And so he said, we followed up. Well, if we promise to be there on Tuesdays, can you make it on Tuesday? And I said, certainly, I can do that. And so that really helped me to feel appreciated, and celebrated and celebrated personally. And it, there was just a lot more going on with that. And I very much feel to all of the conversation that we’ve had about the commitment piece. So not only do I feel that they’ve made a commitment to me, as well as to the group as a whole, because we also have a group facilitator. But I now have made a commitment to their commitment to me. So I’ve reached, it’s a reciprocal commitment. And, and it goes a bit further for me, because it’s not something that I asked them to do. It’s something that they volunteered to do. Which again, goes into the appreciation piece, because they saw me they heard B, and they met me where it could be met. So it’s just kind of all full circle. And the funny pieces at the first meeting that I was available, I totally forgot that I was supposed to be there. So Mike reminded me like, did you know you were supposed to be there? And like, now I forgot. Forgot so. But yeah, so it’s, it’s a blessing.

Chris 52:06

I think definitely. Thank you so much, Landau, and I hope that we didn’t lose the second part of your recording what you’re sharing. I do it, I think one of the main things that, you know, that I noticed is that we’re really we’re, we’re learning how to create the structures, we’re learning how to deepen and to slow down and to drop in and to deepen our relationship with ourselves and with these other men. And then there’s the actual experience of that, right? There’s the actual, like, in the experience of my life, I don’t know, I only know what I knew before I come into something like this. And then I have this deepening experience, which changes my awareness outside of this space, and makes me realize or see myself in different ways. And then there’s, we get to this next stage, which is kind of what you brought in, which is like you had an experience in a cohort, and then that experience shifted, right, and you saw your own relationship with the practice with the community with this one. And it’s really important for me to say to men that are in here, like, we’re not the only place you can do this type of work, right? Like there are other amazing communities out there. There are, there are beautiful men that are doing great work out there. But but we are the unshakable man like this is this is our culture, this is the community that we have. And, and it’s a living, breathing thing. Right? Like, when you when you go through the fundamentals training, and you have this experience of being in these four groups. When you make a commitment to a group inside of our community, I can already see how there are going to be subsets of men that are like, hey, I want to do six o’clock AM six o’clock am on a on a Saturday, because I have kids and like I can, that’s the only time I can get in my entire life as at six o’clock am on a Saturday. And maybe a man on the on the on the East Coast wants to do nine o’clock 8am on a Saturday, right? And you commit to each other to show up. And it’s that commitment that creates the group three, two men start it right and then all of a sudden you have a third, and then you have five and then you have eight, right? And then we have our community groups, which are consistent, right? Like these have been running for two years, and they’ve gone from five to 40. Right? And it’s just it’s very, very cool to be here with you gentlemen, appreciating this out loud, knowing that there’s going to be men that are coming into the community for their very first time. You’re going to be going through this and then after you have this experience you have this felt in Colonel you can truly deeply appreciate and savor what it is like that’s what I’ve been meaning to say this whole time I forgot savoring. Right? Like we can savor the experience, right, we can taste it, we can we know what it’s like to be in one now, you know, if it’s worthy, if it makes sense to actually make a deeper commitment to this work, right? Like, when you when you are on Instagram and you find out about unshakeable man or your coworker, your friend says, Hey, I’m in this group. And it’s kind of cool, you may like it, you even if you said, I’m willing to make a commitment for the next year, you’re making it from a place of bravado, or from a place of, of, of intensity, or aggression, and good for you go for it. Beginner’s Mind, jump right in, make that commitment. But once you’ve been through four groups, I think you really, you can really savor it, right. And now, you know, you can actually make a choice about like, Hey, this is really work for me. Right. And if you make a bigger commitment to actually create your own group, which we’re going to need more of, you know, our men who are willing to show up and to hold that space and learn to be facilitators. Now, now your commitment is helping other men make that commitment. Right. And it’s a it’s, it’s just this beautiful, circular thing.

Londell 56:27

I have to admit that I just, I am so moved by you using the word savor. Because that just a, I’m somewhat of a foodie person. So and and you’ve already heard all of you have already heard and witnessed we use analogies already. So. And, yeah, I just want to reinforce what you said about savory. Yeah, is that to savor your experience, and to that point, use all five senses. In going through and take your time when using your five senses. Like how does it feel to you? How does it smell to you? And that’s a real thing. What does it look like? What does it taste like? And how does it sound? You can do this with a glass of wine bottle of beer, toothpaste, you can use it with a steak, whatever. But it’s always I mean, if you take the time and pass all that through your five senses, you’d be amazed at what you can pull out of it. And this process, definitely when you’re in a group of men, you know, don’t just hop in and look around and say something and hop right back out. But slowly step in check in. And that’s what this is about. We are asking you we’re at. Now I’m going to speak second person we’re asking you to step. Slow down, step in, be slow and be methodical. And probably not. That’s the probably not the right word, but slow down and be deliberate. That’s the word. Yeah. With yourself and the process.

Chris 58:41

Yeah, we’re, that is what that is what we’re inviting. Right, we and I, and to another to another group. Again, another thing we can talk about in a Thursday, coaching call is interoception. And extra perception as a sense as a felt sense, right, we have our five senses. And then we have the tactile physical ability to feel into our body. Right and that that is an actual empathetic skill to be able to slow down enough to feel the energetic movements on are in our intestines to notice how tension in our body until let it go. Right. And the deeper and deeper we get into our body. The the great wisdom dwells in the body, we connect to the world through our body, right? We have thoughts and images in our head that creates sensations in around the body or sensations in around the body that trigger thoughts and images in the head. And these are things we’re going to talk about, but this is just our fundamentals training, right. And the whole idea is to have this experience and to savor it. And I think I’ll say I feel all excited and grounded, and just overjoyed at getting to share this experience with the three, the two of you, the three of us here. And my sense is, is that this, we’ve conveyed this we’ve that are, you know, through the way we’ve shown up in this space, that, in my sense, we have conveyed that that’s what this is that this isn’t some course that you’re gonna go bought purchase online and put in your in your, in your to do list and never do it that this is an actual experience, right? Like when you sign up to do this, there’s 10 or 12 other men, maybe 20, maybe 40, my mind hasn’t really gone beyond that. My mind really is that at the level of like a white sheet of paper where I can write down all of the men’s first and last names. And we can actually welcome them in every month. And that’s what this is. And I think that maybe this is a great place to shift, right and to transition and to close our final session is that when men sign up for this, you are actually being physically welcomed in to move through this process. And there are there are six other stewards right now on the other end in on that last week of the month, when we close enrollment for the next week. Those men are on a list, and we will miss you. If we don’t see you in a group that week. We will miss you. Right. But if you don’t maintain your commitment and get back to us, sure, there might be men that just drift and Ghost. And that happens. And I’ll feel sad about that. I will mourn that. It does I do notice, right. But the idea here is to be able to move through this process and to be able to actually deeply savor something in the end. Right? And to know, is this something that’s worthy of a deeper commitment for me in my life. So with that being said, yours stretch this week, is to go to your fourth group, and to celebrate simply having finished this fundamentals training, then to give us to move through an appreciation ritual, just what have you appreciated about this process? What have you appreciated, what have you learned, what has it been like, and then finally, to acknowledge your commitment to either burn that hidden contract and let the guys in the group know that you’re done. And when that after that happens, you can send us an email and we would be happy to cancel your membership right away. We’ve designed this so that you can come in here and try this out for a month. Or if you’re making a commitment to be here and you’re interested and in, in maintaining that commitment. When you make the commitment, the men in the space will then be able to just like Londo, you had said right when you say when you acknowledge what your commitment is, other men hear it. Right. And when we hear it, we can meet you there. Right? We can meet each other where we are. And that’s I think, Mike that’s your equal exchange of energy that you always like to share in group right? Like we’re not saving each other. Right? We are the men in this space are showing up. I’m actually taking responsibility for my life, and for my experience, and I’m opening and sharing it with another man. And then those other men are able to receive me and to meet me where I am and maybe help me go one step further. Right or two steps further. Right but we’re not saving each other we’re not forcing we’re not right, we’re meeting each other where we are. And so it’s just been it’s been so special to get to record these episodes. I’ll pass it on on to Mike Do you have anything you want to share or sages close out our fourth and final section of the fundamentals course.

Mike 1:04:06

For me, I’m just I’m just excited to you know to bring new people new men into this into this work and it’s been an awesome experience sharing these these podcasts with with you Chris and with you Londo. I’ve learned a tremendous amount just being a part of this. So I look forward to welcoming all the new men into the community.

Londell 1:04:48

Definitely I just really grateful for the time, Chris that you have spent in shepherding this community. I am grateful for Mike for being a friend and for spending his time and efforts in developing our Stuart’s community. He does a lot of work for us. And with us and to the both of you, you know, I see you both as dear friends and I’m very happy to that the universe has put you all in into my life brought us together. And for the men who are listening to this, and who will be a part of our community. I look forward to meeting all of you. And spending time with you and sitting in circle with you and and celebrating your accomplishments. No matter the size, learning to appreciate all that you bring to the circle and honoring all of your commitments. And just really getting to know and share with you. What makes you an unshakable man. So for that I look quite forward to embracing.

Mike 1:06:49

Well, I want to celebrate that.

Chris 1:06:54

Awesome, guys. Awesome. This has been so so rad. If you’re listening to this, and you are in the community, and this is your fourth section, this is your fourth group. I can’t wait to see you in there. If you’re not in the community yet and you haven’t gotten over to enroll. When you’re listening to this, just know that we we open enrollment the last week of every month and close it just before the the first week of the month starts and we will be here to receive you into the community for the next cohort of the unshakable nation Fundamentals course. Thank you so much for listening.